I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
