He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
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