Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
4 words: hood of his car
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
