I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
