i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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