my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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