she looked like the bat from fern gully.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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