I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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