gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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