I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
