Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Randomize
