sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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