Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Randomize
