im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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