There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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