You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
