can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
