I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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