i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I want to have your abortion
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
