Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
