You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
