Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
