I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
