then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
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He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
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The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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