We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Randomize
