Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
