I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
