I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
