The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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