i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
