think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
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