Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
