I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
