y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
