Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
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