The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
