I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
where does the pee come out of this thing
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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