Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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