His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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