There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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