I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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