My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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