Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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