i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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