You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Randomize
