You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
