Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
