she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I understand Curling. That high.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
