The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
it was like having sex with a tree stump
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Randomize
