i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
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No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
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When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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