Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
