im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
