sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
