i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
