Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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