I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
