I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
