I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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