I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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