She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
i drank out of a bidet.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
