Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
