All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
