the condom got lost in my hair
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
